Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
