I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
