I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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