Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
