I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
