My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My ATM looks so different sober.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
