oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize