yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Barsexuality is the new black.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I still have a little drunk in my system
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
