How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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