This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
