cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
