I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
