Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize