dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm like, not good at living.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
