We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
