Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Less talking, more tequila
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
