4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
