You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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