are you still at the devil's house?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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