I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
