I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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