Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
