The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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