before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
