You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
