someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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