I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
