imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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