Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
