apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
