i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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