last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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