Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
