while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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