i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
