awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
