i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
