There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize