do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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