Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
His hands were made for my vagina.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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