Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize