apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
