what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You smell like stripper and shame
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
