So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
