Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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