oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
