Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
