i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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