She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Randomize
