You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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