If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
