I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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