I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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