guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
