I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
