There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
