he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
