I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
