i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
